


To Actually Love

by lovingit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 11:31:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1467886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovingit/pseuds/lovingit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry have made a lot of mistakes on his life, but as he sees Zayn walking out of their home he realized anything could compare to that..</p><p>Now, having to see him happy laughing with someone who isn't him is just making it clear that he needs him, that he loves him so much. That he has to win him back.</p><p> </p><p>Just some Zarry fluffiness you would enjoy reading, really!</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Actually Love

Okay, that´s it, now Harry definitely feels like going to jump off a cliff, so, he drinks the last of his shot in one go and slam the glass down on the table, now totally glaring at them.

“Okay, mate, calm down” Harry feels the hand on his shoulders and his eyes leave the “couple”, just some meters away from him, to look at the icy blue ones his friend, Louis Tomlinson, owns. “Hazz, you have to stop that” he says, looking a little worried.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Lou, I’m fine”

“Not clearly you are not, you are burning fucking holes on the back of Zayn’s head”

Harry sighs, okay, maybe he wasn’t being so subtle about his staring, but he just can’t help it, he is furious, he can’t believe Zayn could do this to him, it’s just been three months since their break up, and here that little fucker is, looking as gorgeous as ever and laughing with an ugly stranger, well, he is lying, the stranger is not ugly, far from that, actually, he is hot, not Zayn level of hotness (not that anyone can get to that level, Zayn still is, indisputably, the prettiest person in every room he steps into) but still hot, with brown puppy eyes and hair a cute sand color, and those fucking big biceps that get more defined now that he is lifting his arm and flexing it to touch Zayn’s arm, and it all seems so wrong, because that’s not Harry’s arm on Zayn shoulder, that’s not Harry making Zayn laughs right now, and it feels like a kick in the guts, like someone has taken his heart out of his chest and is broking it in front of him, but he forces himself to look away, again, and let it be, because, it is his fault that Zayn is not besides him right now, it is his fault.

“It’s just..it’s too hard, Lou, three fucking months I’ve been depressing over him, and here you have him, Mr. Perfect with a new man around his arm” Harry says covering his face with both hands, he need another shot.

“Here, take this” Is like Louis has read his mind because now he is pushing a shot in Harry’s direction “Harry, you are making early conclusions, we don’t know if he is dating that Liam guy, he didn’t say so when I asked him if he was coming, he just asked to bring a friend from work”

Harry just hummed and takes his shot, the burning going down his throat easing the pain on his chest a little “I’m sorry, Lou, today is your birthday! This is your party! And I’m here ruining it for you! You have to go and dance with your girlfriend! Not being here hearing my bullshits”

Louis just smiles sadly at him “Hazz, you are my best mate, you are not ruining anything, I know this must be hard for you, just try to calm down, yeah? Drink, dance, have fun please!”

“Yeah, yeah, now go to your girlfriend please, enjoy yourself Lou!”

“You are gonna be okay?”

“Of course, silly! Now go!” He shoves Louis playfully and the later goes reluctantly, eyeing Harry one last time before going to his girlfriend, El, who is talking with some people in the couch.

Harry entertains himself looking around the house, crowded with people dancing and drinking around, Louis loves a good party, but doesn’t like to go clubbing for his birthday, arguing that it is so cold and full of strangers, birthdays should be spending partying with just friends, he says, that’s why every 24th of December he invite everyone to his and El’s flat, and mounts a small party, small in the people volume sense of the word, but filled with drinks, food, and music. Harry has known Louis as long as he has lived, living next door helping to build their bond, that’s why, this year, Louis has talked to him about inviting Zayn, saying he wouldn’t if that would make Harry uncomfortable, but Harry just say it was okay, Zayn is Louis friend, not as much as Harry but ever since they have met they clicked instantly, so he wasn’t going to be egoist and makes Louis decide like that, between them, a voice on the back of his mind saying that he would be actually very pleased about seen the raven haired boy again, after three months of unanswered calls and text messages. Now, sitting alone on the single couch, he is regretting his decision, he should have said yes to Louis, saying it would have been better to not invite Zayn.

 

 

“Harry, stop it, you have had too much to drink, it’s not a good idea” Louis says to him, grabbing his elbow in a desperate attempt of stopping him, a worried look on his face.

“You are worrying too much, Louis, I’m just going to say hi, it really late and I haven’t talk to him” Harry answers, a big smile on his face, clear sign that, yeah, he really have had too much to drink.

He frees his arms from Louis grip, ignore the calls of his name and resume making his way to were the stupidly good looking tanned boy is, he was tired, tired of seeing Zayn, _his Zayn_ , dance and talk to that guy, what was his name again? Oh well, who cares anyway.

 

 

“Hey, Zayn!” Harry says as soon as said lad has turned around after feeling the finger pocking his shoulder, the surprise on his face just making his amber eyes look even bigger and beautiful.

“Hey, Harry, uhm..” He fidgets with the hem of his t-shirt, a habit, Harry knows, he does every time he is feeling nervous. “yeah, this is Liam” he gestures to the man besides him.

“Hey, nice to meet you man” Harry dimpled at him and shakes his hand.

“Nice to meet you too, Harry” he answers but Harry doesn’t actually looks at him, his eyes fixed on the smaller boy next to Liam, Zayn isn’t looking at him either, just frowning at the ground.

“Yeah, so, Zayn, I was..i just. Ehm, I wanna talk to you, alone, if that’s possible” Harry clears his throat after finishing talking, suddenly feeling too sober again.

Zayn lift his head, his so fucking pretty eyes glaring at him “No, it’s not possible; I’m a little busy if you didn’t notice, and I don’t think there is anything left to say between us”

“It’s just a minute, Zayn, please…” Harry’s voice nothing but a low sound.

“C’mon, Zayn, I have to go to the bathroom anyway” The Liam guy, says, smiling at Harry, and maybe Harry hates him a little less right now.

Zayn glares at Liam like he has just killed his mother, the later just shrugs and makes his way away from them. Zayn doesn’t look at him again, just crosses his arms in front of his chest and closes his eyes, looking like he is sighing or trying to calm his breathe.

“Uhm, can we go outside, please?”

Zayn hesitates a little before nodding and Harry starts walking to the door with Zayn on his heels, he tried to be a gentleman and open the door waiting for Zayn to walk first, who just roll his eyes but steps out anyway.

“Well? Please hurry up, Harry, I really want to go back to..”

“Liam? Back to Liam?” Harry asks, the tone of his voice a little higher than usual “You really don’t waste time, eh Zayn? Just three months an here you are all happy and with a new guy by your side”

Zayn’s eyebrows furrowed so hard that they meet on the middle “This is unbelievable, Harry, who the hell do you think you are to talk to me like that?” he was now pointing a finger to Harry’s chest.

“Whatever, Zayn, you are not answering me”

“Oh my God! You are drunk! And an asshole, and by some unknown reason you think that it gives you the right to talk to me like that” Zayn crosses his arms again “He is a friend, okay? A fucking friend, that’s all! I didn’t want to come here all alone, and I didn’t want this to happen…”

“Zayn..” Harry takes a step in, Zayn a step back, and that breaks the little pieces of his already broken heart “Zayn, I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry, it’s just… this is so hard, I miss you, I miss you so much!” he confessed.

Zayn face seems to soften before he shakes his head and frowns again “Don’t do this to me Harry... please… I’ve been a mess this three months, I still am, but I’m trying, I’m trying so hard, Harry, don’t ruin all the progress I’ve made” His eyes pleading, burning into Harry’s.

“You don’t have to do that! You don’t have to keep trying! At least not alone, we can try together, Zee, we can make it better, we can start again, we can..”

“What, Harry? We can just keep going? Forget it all? We can keep being together going nowhere? So I can keep dreaming about a real future with you, a family, things I’m never gonna get?” Zayn takes another steps back and turn his face to the side “I can’t do that, I can’t just be there, waiting for things you would never want, don’t you remember why I left Harry? I couldn’t stand it, the hurt of having a fucking ring on my drawer after being rejected for my boyfriend, after 5 years of acting like you wanted this with me, after all you said… I just can’t”

Zayn pushes him away and gets into the flat again, leaving a speechless Harry, with thick tears falling down his cheeks.

 

 

 

“Would you marry me?” His lovely boyfriend says, kneeled in front of him, with a huge smile on his face, and Harry let the spoon he has been cooking with fall, froze on his site, Zayn frowned looking at the fallen spoon and then returns his eyes to Harry’s face. Harry was shaking his head, trying to talk, he bites his lips and looks at Zayn and then at the ring, then at Zayn again.

“Zayn..I..”

Zayn gets up on his feet again, his brown eyes a little glassy, silence after a propose it’s never a good sign “It’s okay, babe..”

“I’m sorry, Zayn, I just… I don’t think that’s a good idea, I love you, you know that, but marriage? We are fine like this..”

“Harry, I love you too, I don’t understand, we love each other, we live together, marriage it’s just like making our life together official..”

“Marriage it’s just an excuse to tie two people together, just paper saying I own your life, I don’t think we need that, we are fine” He repeats, trying to get some sense into Zayn, who just shook his head.

“Harry, it’s not just that, is a bond, I want to have a family with you, I wanna be your husband, we can have kids and a bigger house and..”

“We are fine like this Zayn..” his voice raising a little.

“Yes we are, but we can be like this and be married, nothing is gonna change, love”

“ Why are you being so difficult!! Don’t you understand I don’t want to? Marriages are shit! You are just trying to tie me, aren’t you? Insecure as always, Zayn Malik, wanting to have an excuse to have me here”

“An excuse to have you here? What the fuck are you saying, Harry?! I didn’t know I need an excuse to have you by my side”

Harry rolls his eyes as he takes off his apron “I don’t want to get married, I think that is bullshit, and you are not tying my like that!” he says as he walks to the door.

“Harry, I don’t want to do that, I just want to make you mine forever”

“Forever is a long time, Zayn, I don’t know if I can promise that long..”

Zayn is the one to froze now, his eyes as wide as plates “What do you mean?”

Harry starts to regret what he have said but just shook his head and open the front door “I’m going out” he announces before walking outside.

 

 

“Three fucking days, Harry!! You walked out that door and didn’t comeback in three fucking days!” Zayn was pulling at his raven hair now.

“I’m sorry, I just needed to clear my head!” Harry approaches his boyfriend, who just walked around the bed and away from him “Please, babe, I’m sorry, I just, let’s forget about this all, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m so sorry”

He walks to Zayn again, who doesn’t moves away this time and embraces him.

 

They tried it, for about two weeks, before Zayn explodes, he couldn’t handle it, it hurts too much, so he left, and just some days after, their flat looked like it has just been one person living there all along, except if you are Harry, who can still find traces of Zayn in every corner.

 

 

 

“I’m going to get it, mum!” Is all that could be heard coming from inside the house Harry is standing in front of right now.

As soon as he saw Harry standing there Zayn froze, the familiar frown returning to his face “What..are you doing here? Is Christmas! Shouldn’t you be with your family?” the tanned boy says cocking his head to the side, but still glaring at Harry.

Before Harry could talk a feminine voice calling from inside says “Who is it, Zaynie?”

“Say it’s justa friend, and that you are going to talk for a little bit” Harry whispers.

Zayn frowns more “Ehm, is a friend mum! I’m gonna talk for a bit” he calls and closes the door. “Now, would you care to explain?”

Harry just smiles and gestures him to stay there, Zayn rest his back on the wall next to the door and waits, the night was so cold.

Harry sighs and walks to one of the plants on the front garden to take some paper signs from behind them, Zayn open his mouth but Harry shush him, he lift the signs and position them in front of him, the first one just white paper, Harry turns it around and it reads.

‘Would you believe me if I say I love you?’

“Oh my fucking God, are you really gonna do the signs things like that cheesy movie? Love actually? Seriously, Harry? It’s not even my favorite movie! It’s yours!” Zayn can’t help but laugh.

Harry blushes “Can you please shut up? I really spent time preparing this! I even thing of every word here, yes I copy the scene, but what is written in these signs is all mine” Zayn shook his head “Can I continue, now?” He waits for Zayn to nods before he change the signs, showing him the next one.

‘I love every single thing about you, from the freckle on your left eye, to the way you finish the crisp every time and claim you didn’t’

Zayn laughs again, clamping a hand over his mouth.

‘Days without you wouldn’t pass, I miss you too much every hour of the day’ says the next one, and Harry smiles sadly.

‘The bed feels so cold without you, and I don’t even know why, you have the coldest feet’ Zayn bites his lips, his honey colored eyes looking glassy.

‘I’m an idiot, I know you already know that, I’m clumsy and say thing without thinking’ Zayn smiles and Harry does too.

‘But, when I saw you walking out of the door, leaving our home, I knew I have never made a mistake that huge’ Right now, Zayn wasn’t trying to keep the tears from falling anymore, thick drops wetting his face.

‘And I feel like the biggest asshole, because only now I realize how much I need you, how much I want a life with you’

Harry let the signs down and walks till he is in front of Zayn, their toes almost touching, and Zayn fixes his eyes on Harry’s ridiculous Chelsea boots.

“I’m so sorry, Zayn, I’m so fucking sorry, please look at me” Harry’s voice took Zayn by surprise but he lift his head anyway, to find Harry’s cheeks as wet as his. “I want his, I want you, so much, I’m the biggest idiot, but I’ll spend my life making it up for you if you just accept to be there, I don’t deserve this, maybe, but I love you, and I swear to God there is no one that could love you as much as I do, not even Liam”

Zayn let out a laugh and rolls his eyes that lovely way he always does, it doesn’t even bother Harry anymore “Liam is just a friend, I told you that, idiot!” He bites his lips and looks into Harry’s eyes “I love you too, but you are so cheesy”

“Just for you” he lift a hand to rub the thumb of it over Zayn’s pinkish defined cheekbone “I’m sorry, I don’t know how much I would have to say this, but I don’t care, I truly am, I’ve missed you so much, just the day you left I realized how much I just can’t function without you, I said stupid things, lies, because forever is so short, Zayn, so short to spend with you, I want even more..”

He couldn’t finish because soft lips crash with his own, he closed his eyes immediately and grabs Zayn’s slim waist to bring him closer, the shorter boy wrap his arms around his neck, and right now he feels whole again, as his tongue battled with Zayn’s, he swears that, yes, this is his place, this boy is his home.

“You are an idiot, but you are my idiot” Zayn says once they broke the kiss, foreheads resting together.

“And I am the cheesy one?”

“Yes, of course you are” Zayn answers with an amused smile.

“God! You are so gorgeous! I’ve missed you so much” Harry attached their lips together again, taking in the sweet taste of his lover, getting drunk of it.

“Okay, please invite Harry inside, Zayn, before our neighbors reports you for exhibitionism” Zayn’s mum call from the window next to the door, making them both jump , she just smiles and rolls her eyes, just the way Zayn does it, and get inside again.

“We better go, before she comes again, you wanna stay for dinner, right?” Zayn opens the door, but Harry stops him by the hand “C’mon, baby, we’ll kiss a lot later, make up sex is the best” But as he turns around to look at Harry he find him on his knees, his free hand holding on display a ring, the exact copy of the one he got him, month ago.

 

Zayn lends Harry some clothes, because his finished all wet after Zayn tackled him to the snow covered ground screaming “YES!” on the top of his lounges.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this! sorry for the mistakes, it´s so late around here and i´m sleeppy! but i needed to write this.
> 
> Yes, it isn´t christmass anymore, but meh! i wanted to write this, and i did it.
> 
> thank you for reading! xx
> 
> you can find me on tumblr here http://sandramvillalba.tumblr.com/  
> i draw Zarry too!


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